Little Trees
by newvagabond
Summary: Someone said something about car air fresheners being sort of like catnip to grounders (Who! Help, I can't find who said it!). And Rickpoopy said what if it makes them frisky? And thus crackficlet was born. I'm not even gonna try to list the crackships that happen here. xD


**A/N:** Someone said something about car air fresheners being sort of like catnip to grounders (Who?! Help, I can't find who said it!). And Rickpoopy said what if it makes them frisky? And thus crackficlet was born. I'm not even gonna try to list the crackships that happen here. xD It kinda makes me wanna take on a rare pairing challenge.

Enjoy.

* * *

If the kids showed up with gifts, it was usually a human holiday. Optimus always encouraged it, seeing it as a new opportunity to learn about their culture and bond. A few days a year, they traveled together to watch fireworks (and on one such occasion happened upon spooked aerial Vehicons not knowing what the frag was going on—Ratchet almost laughed his bumper loose).

One holiday the kids gave them tiny red papers and Miko put heart-shaped stickers all over Bulkhead's helm. Explaining Thanksgiving proved awkward and later Optimus reminded his team that humans were a young race with much to learn.

So after school one day when Raf excitedly said they had something for the Autobots, Ratchet snorted from his medbay. "Did the Easter Bunny come again?"

"Uh, Ratchet, that's in the springtime. It's totally fall right now," Miko said, reaching into the bag in Jack's hands.

"We saw these and thought you'd like them," Jack clarified, holding something small and pink out to Arcee. It was in the shape of a tree, with a little string attached.

The 'bot took it between her thumb and pointer, lowering a ridge in a half-squint. "What is it?" she asked, watching it sway.

"Car air fresheners!" Rafael exclaimed, giving Bumblebee one that matched his finish. "Yours is honey scented, Bee!"

The yellow Scout cycled his big optics and took the tiny gift, beeping a thank you.

"_Car_ air fresheners?" Ratchet scoffed in offense, now turning to look at the kids and their gifts.

"Yeah, you hang them around your rear-view and they smell good!" Miko added as she gave her guardian his freshener.

"Does mine smell cool?" Bulkhead asked as he took it.

"Frankincense!"

"Like Frankenstein? Cool!"

Arcee was still staring at hers and Jack pointed. "Yours is jasmine. Remember those little white flowers my mom planted?"

The blue Autobot brightened and brought the tiny tree to her faceplate. She took a deep inward ventilation and sighed at the tickle to her receptors.

"It's nice. Thank you," she vocalized with a smile.

Ratchet was watching, and Jack knew by then that the medic was too prideful to ask where his was even if he was clearly curious. The human reached into the bag and trotted over to the large orange 'bot.

"Here, Ratch." He held it up and the doctor bent on one knee to take it.

"Hmph," Ratchet grumbled and brought it close to his mouth. He too in-vented and his receptors tingled immediately. It was an artificial aroma, clearly, but had a nice woodsy quality to it. It matched the logs he had under the continent of Australia from a past energon scuffle.

As he expelled air, the tingle seemed to wash downward and his plates drooped. Jack thought it was a bit strange that static seemed to jump from the doctor's frame, but he didn't have a lot of time to think about it because a crash made him jump and turn around.

Bumblebee was on his aft, Arcee with her servos on his shoulders and leaning over so far it looked like she'd fall on him. Bee's vocalizer whirled in high-pitched beeps and Arcee pushed away to grind gears loudly into her servos in something of a choked laugh.

"Um..." Rafael looked to Jack.

Bulkhead plopped down loudly and stared at the ceiling.

"What's..." Miko started, and yelped when there was another crash as now Arcee fell back onto her rear.

All three children turned slowly to Ratchet.

His optics were cycled large and he kept a straight face for barely three seconds before bursting into laughter and falling backwards as well. A tray of tools went flying and the kids scrambled to avoid being crushed.

"A-Are robots... allergic to air fresheners?!" Rafael asked, jumping as Bumblebee's pede flailed.

"Beeee careful, Beeeee," Arcee crooned as she stretched across the Autobot sigil that decorated the floor. Her dorsal wings fluttered and she gave a gooey smile to Jack, bright pink freshener between her denta.

"Okay, um, Arcee," Jack said as he stepped forward. Wow, maybe they should've considered— but how were they supposed to know...? What was even happening?!

"Do you feel okay?" he asked.

She closed her optics in a delighted squeal that made Jack's cheeks color instantly. "Mmhm," was her moaning response.

"I think I should take that back..." Jack reached forward for the freshener and before he could try to snatch it, he heard Raf wail and Miko give a cackle. Oh, no, what now?

He turned to see Ratchet holding a squirming Bumblebee to the floor. "C'mere, you," the doctor vocalized with a broad grin. Bee sounded like he was laughing and his servos skittered happily over the larger 'bot's chestplate. Little arcs of electricity jumped between them.

Jack's hands flew to his head in panic. He really hoped this wasn't what it looked like. When Arcee pounced on Bulkhead and knocked crates over, he covered Raf's eyes and pushed him to the medbay.

"What do we do?" Miko asked, though she was clearly amused and doing a bit of a pee dance.

"I don't know, we should take them away before things—oh my God—" He cut himself off and covered his face when Ratchet started groping the yellow 'bot's pelvic array and sounding his siren excitedly.

"No fair," Arcee said, crawling over and getting her leg yanked by Bulk. She flailed and kicked with a snicker. "Let goooo."

Jack just about dropped dead when Ratchet pulled the femme up into a growling mouth bite. Static popped when their faceplates came into contact.

That image was going to be burned into his mind forever.

"Miko! Just... try to... I don't know!" Jack shouted, awkwardly stepping around the tangle of giggling robots, at a loss of what to do. He couldn't very well break them up. And oh, hell, Arcee said something about spinning Ratchet's tires and it sounded _so_ wrong and Jack just really, really regretted buying them gifts.

Miko was long gone, crying laughing on the floor.

Loud pede-steps shook the base and Optimus paused as he entered the common room. His team was on the floor, as were broken crates and scattered tools. The Autobots were chuckling and wriggling and holding each other. His sensors detected broken and giddy energy fields. Optics cycled around, to the kids, and then zeroed in on the small tree-shaped objects on the floor.

The other 'bots noticed their leader and all perked up to stare at him.

Prime took one long step back and his battlemask slammed shut.

He ended up on the floor under a pile of Autobots. Each nuzzled and murmured, engines rumbling not unlike a cat's purr.

Ridges drawn up wearily, Optimus remained still even as a 'bot or two played with his smoke stacks. Someone was tickling a motion cable, though he didn't bother finding out who.

Through his mask, which he didn't dare release, he vocalized simply, "Please do not bring air fresheners to the base again."


End file.
